I have one foot in the graveyard and the other on the bus,
And the passengers do trample each other in the rush.
And the chicken hearted lawman is throwing up his fill
To see the kindly doctor to pass the super pill.
Well, I’m going down, three cheers for Doctor Bogenbroom.
Well, I’m on my way, three cheers for Doctor Bogenbroom
I’ve been in a funk for most of the week. Not a 100 percent sure why -but I am, and I think it has to do with coming to terms with regret.
I’ve taken to running in the late afternoons. The weather here has been utterly gorgeous, and it’s nice to be outside, seeing the scenery in the light of the low hanging sun. I have to enjoy it while I can because soon, way too fast, we will begin the long slide into cold darkness that is the German winter. Running is probably a bit of an overstatement-as its more of a “run till I am winded, walk till I can start running again” kind of thing. But it helps me channel the fiery rage that is burning inside of me.
Because I have been reading some books about some somewhat successful people-I am having to come to grips that I am never going to be one of those people. It appears certain now that I am destined for the obscurity that clouds millions of people. People who work and dream, laugh and play, struggle and persevere –never to be rightfully remembered in the flow of time.
Most times I am Ok with it. Life is about coming to grips with choices, and I have made a couple of bad ones. For the most part, they have been forced on me and I have learned to live with it pretty much.
Actually, there is only one wrong choice that I have made – the decision to marry at the young age of 22, and not understand that life alone is not necessarily a bad thing. I was deceived by the great lie: the idea that you have to be “coupled” and have to live with someone else. Those someone else’s has turned out – as they almost always do – to be people who think they had a right to tell me what to do and when to do it.
The great revelation is that they don’t. And they need to be told no-and to head off to their worlds and stay the hell out of mine. That’s easier said than done, of course, but it is the God’s honest truth. What makes accomplishing the transition to independence is the straight jacket of money-its always the trap of money, the trap of bills unpaid and only enough to keep the bills in good standing, without genuinely having enough to retire them. Or retire the people who led you into them.
And at about that point of realization is when the fire of the rage is lit. As I said-I carry a lot of anger around, just below my surface, that I have to control and keep from getting out. Rage at the excessive number of stupid people in our society, who think they have a right to judge me; rage at the world for being so fucked up; rage at circumstances for not being better. As Santayana said, “rage is depression spread thin.” It has to be controlled -or it can destroy you. I know that deep down-but still it stays within me.
I really believe that all of us have a lot of darkness in our souls. Anger, rage, fear, sadness. I don’t think that’s only reserved for people who have horrible upbringings. I think it really exists and is part of the human condition. I think in the course of your life you figure out ways to deal with that.-Kevin Bacon
The only real regret I have in my life is that I did not learn early enough -that I could live well in solitude. I could take companionship when I needed it and turn it away when I didn’t. Now just like that runner’s sun setting on the horizon, it’s kind of late for that revelation. But hopefully, there is still joy out there for me. If only I could see and find it.
And that’s what writing is about-getting these emotions out of my system.
Fun and games may or may not resume tomorrow.
Well, I’ve tried my best to love you all,
All you hypocrites and whores,
With your eyes on each other and the locks upon your doors.
Well you drowned me in the fountain of life and I hated you
For living while I was dying, we were all just passing through.
Well written.
You have captured and expressed emotions and feelings I have had. Realization and acceptance do bring a large measure of peace.
Do not go there. Regret is forever. Blink, laugh, babble but don't do regret.
You sound troubled. You sound like you are hanging on but just barely. If there is anything at all I can do, please let me know. Your friends don't want another Gardner.
Seriously.
Curtis
Skippy,
Remember this: In the valley of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. Sure you may not have reached the life goals that you set out for, and it is natural to feel remiss. But think back on how many started off in the Navy with you long ago, and how many can claim to achieve what you have? You are doing a lot better than a lot of people, something you should be thankful for.
You never know what "could have been" or what "should have been" just be glad you made it this far, and set your goals on other things.
Maurice is right – you could be back in Shopping Mall, USA sitting in a dimly-lit double wide in a wife- beater shirt drinking cheap canned beer and watching reruns of Duck Dynasty…..
Oh I know all that. You don't have to tell me how good I have it-all things considered. And as I said some two years ago, you regret the things you didn't do more than those you did.
Skippy,
As you know I married late in life and started a family even later. So in a way I kind of get what you are talking about. In my 20's and 30's, I was a single "Naval Officer" with the world as my playground. I can tell you stories of "Love them and leave them" that would beat any from 50 shades of Grey. But at the same time, I can say having been married and raising a family now, I did miss out on a lot of things while I was younger. I guess my point is, your life happens in the present, so you may as well treat it like it is a present (gift type), and enjoy it while it is there (words of wisdom from Kung Fu Panda).
You look back and think of things that could have been, I think we all have done that. But I want you to watch a DC cartoon that just came out, called the "Justice League The Flash Paradox" that just recently came out. It's a pretty good take on what would have happened if the Flash would have used his speed to go back in time and save his mother from dying, and all of the implications that came from it. Trust me, it's not the old "Superfriends" from the 70's but a pretty good adult level cartoon. Watch it and think about what if you could go back in time and change things. It does make you think, and appreciate what you have been through.