I have one foot in the graveyard and the other on the bus,
And the passengers do trample each other in the rush.
And the chicken hearted lawman is throwing up his fill
To see the kindly doctor to pass the super pill.
Well, I’m going down, three cheers for Doctor Bogenbroom.
Well, I’m on my way, three cheers for Doctor Bogenbroom
I’ve been in a funk for most of the week. Not a 100 percent sure why -but I am, and I think it has to do with coming to terms with regret.
I’ve taken to running in the late afternoons. The weather here has been utterly gorgeous, and it’s nice to be outside, seeing the scenery in the light of the low hanging sun. I have to enjoy it while I can because soon, way too fast, we will begin the long slide into cold darkness that is the German winter. Running is probably a bit of an overstatement-as its more of a “run till I am winded, walk till I can start running again” kind of thing. But it helps me channel the fiery rage that is burning inside of me.
Because I have been reading some books about some somewhat successful people-I am having to come to grips that I am never going to be one of those people. It appears certain now that I am destined for the obscurity that clouds millions of people. People who work and dream, laugh and play, struggle and persevere –never to be rightfully remembered in the flow of time.
Most times I am Ok with it. Life is about coming to grips with choices, and I have made a couple of bad ones. For the most part, they have been forced on me and I have learned to live with it pretty much.
Actually, there is only one wrong choice that I have made – the decision to marry at the young age of 22, and not understand that life alone is not necessarily a bad thing. I was deceived by the great lie: the idea that you have to be “coupled” and have to live with someone else. Those someone else’s has turned out – as they almost always do – to be people who think they had a right to tell me what to do and when to do it.
The great revelation is that they don’t. And they need to be told no-and to head off to their worlds and stay the hell out of mine. That’s easier said than done, of course, but it is the God’s honest truth. What makes accomplishing the transition to independence is the straight jacket of money-its always the trap of money, the trap of bills unpaid and only enough to keep the bills in good standing, without genuinely having enough to retire them. Or retire the people who led you into them.
And at about that point of realization is when the fire of the rage is lit. As I said-I carry a lot of anger around, just below my surface, that I have to control and keep from getting out. Rage at the excessive number of stupid people in our society, who think they have a right to judge me; rage at the world for being so fucked up; rage at circumstances for not being better. As Santayana said, “rage is depression spread thin.” It has to be controlled -or it can destroy you. I know that deep down-but still it stays within me.
I really believe that all of us have a lot of darkness in our souls. Anger, rage, fear, sadness. I don’t think that’s only reserved for people who have horrible upbringings. I think it really exists and is part of the human condition. I think in the course of your life you figure out ways to deal with that.-Kevin Bacon
The only real regret I have in my life is that I did not learn early enough -that I could live well in solitude. I could take companionship when I needed it and turn it away when I didn’t. Now just like that runner’s sun setting on the horizon, it’s kind of late for that revelation. But hopefully, there is still joy out there for me. If only I could see and find it.
And that’s what writing is about-getting these emotions out of my system.
Fun and games may or may not resume tomorrow.
Well, I’ve tried my best to love you all,
All you hypocrites and whores,
With your eyes on each other and the locks upon your doors.
Well you drowned me in the fountain of life and I hated you
For living while I was dying, we were all just passing through.