An epiphany

I have seen the light. I have decided to join the Tea Party and buy all the heavy caliber handguns I can get my hands on. I now know that rich corporations have nothing but my best interest at heart-and that I was wrong to insist that maybe the rest of us should share in their prosperity. I accept George Bush as the new patron saint of the GOP and vow to do what I can to find the birth certificate.

The crusades in Iraq and Libya and Afghanistan were just expressions of the might of a quiet superpower backed into a corner. I now realize that the use of force on behalf of worthless Arabs is fully justified just because the President says it is. I now realize that all the world will love us when we invade their countries and will welcome us with open arms.

I apologize to Donald Rumsfeld for all the mean things I said about him over the years. I will joyfully fork over 36% of my retirement to my ex-wife and recognize that her sloth is somehow a blessing to us all. I will never lust after another woman just because she has big boobs and a nice ass. I will recognize the role of women and gays in our new diverse military structure and welcome the strength that diversity gives us.

Now if you will excuse me-I need to go write out a 1000 dollar check to Sarah PAC.