Oct 31 2013
Archive for the 'Beer and Babes' Category
Oct 12 2013
An old man was given a jar and asked to provide a sperm sample for his doctor. The next day he returned with the empty jar and explained, "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left. I asked my wife to help. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door. Nothing."
The doctor was shocked. He said, "You asked your neighbor?"
"Yep," the old man replied. "None of us could get the jar open."
Jun 23 2013
At a Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled…"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
– The bartender was almost crushed to death.
May 19 2013
Its been a really lousy week for a bunch of reasons. I have been really depressed and angry-but I woke up this morning and decided that I am not going to let the bastards win. I get to publish the content I want to-and in the same vein I owe it to my readers to step up the quality of that content. The politics will still be there of course-delivered from the factual side, not the lunatic conservative side. But I will try to branch out some more to other-more interesting areas.
So in doing that, its always best to start with some humor:
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never
Driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'
The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.'
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo then got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law…. but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'
The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'
The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'
The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.'
The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more Important than that.'
After a moment,the supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?'
The young trooper said, 'I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'
Speaking of heavenly views:
(This is Joceyln Chew from Singapore)
May 12 2013
Yes! Yes! Yes!
The New Asian Sirens web site is up and running! A great day for all connoisseurs of hot looking Asian tuna………..
Links to be updated this evening.
Mar 08 2013
Well, it's March and that means, its that oh so special time of the year when we get to celebrate the history that women want us to know about, while white washing the details they would rather just not see printed in the paper.
But I 'll get to that later on in the month. I just got back from a day trip to Munich and I am tired.
But I would be remiss, if I didn't recognize that today is International Women's Day. And it occurred to me on the train ride back-as I passed through brief moments of consciousness-that just about every major problem that I have had in my life-can be traced to a woman somewhere. Seriously, I don't know what it is-but I can truly say that whatever dissatisfaction I feel with life, job, other aspects of my situation-can be traced directly back to that special type of woman I seem to have the knack of attracting.
Some men fall for heartbreakers-the women who are going to inflict real emotional pain deliberately. Not me. I have the distinction of being the kind of guy who falls for another type of woman.
You know the type of woman: the one who-no matter how much ambition and job drive she had before meeting you-turns into a leech. Perfectly content to suck the life out of you, by not working, and letting you pay for all the bills. You know the type-the women who have so little respect for themselves, that they can sit at home, on their expanding asses-and be perfectly content to have you do all the work.
They never start out that way, that's the beauty of the way they operate. They lull you into that false sense of security by making you feel loved and comfortable-even providing the requisite amount of sexual stimulation. And then, when they have latched on hard enough-having enough financial involvement such that they are literally sucking the life out of you-they throttle back and start coasting. And then wonder why you get so angry with them.
Yep, that's my kind of girl.
But like the other creatures-they have gotten their tentacles deep into you-through a complex web for financial interdependence-that makes the dream of just getting up and walking out the door so brutally difficult to do.
There is even a medical condition for this type of woman.
And now, from the vantage point of a few years older- I can recognize that I have a had a weakness for this particular version of the species. But, however, slowly-I am learning.
So here's to you girls! I just want to take this opportunity to recognize your contributions, thanks! Thanks for letting me be your life support system! Happy to help you ladies, happy as all get out.
And besides, as Sam Kinison pointed out, "What are you going to do? Suck a dick and vacuum some guy's house twice a week?"
I don't think so.
So we are stuck, you can't live without them-and they drive you nuts when are with them. I know it, you know it-even Don Juan knew it.
Speaking of Don Juan, he has some great advice appropriate to this special day. These quotes resonate with me more and more as I continue my quest of genuinely loving women, and I hope they serve you as inspiration and a reminder as well.
- “There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love.”
- “Have you never met a woman who inspires you to love? Until your every sense is filled with her? You inhale her. You taste her. You see your unborn children in her eyes and know that your heart has at last found a home.”
- “What do you know of great love? Have you ever loved a woman until milk leaked from her as though she had just given birth to love itself, and now must feed it or burst? Have you ever tasted a woman until she believed that she could be satisfied only by consuming the tongue that had devoured her? Have you ever loved a woman so completely that the sound of your voice in her ear could cause her body to shudder and explode with such intense pleasure that only weeping could bring her full release?”
- “I give women pleasure, if they desire, it is of course the greatest pleasure they will ever experience. No woman has ever left my arms unsatisfied.”
- “Every true lover knows that the moment of greatest satisfaction comes when ecstasy is long over and he beholds before him the flower which has blossomed beneath his touch.”
- “By seeing beyond what is visible to the eye. Now there are those, of course, who do not share my perceptions, it’s true. When I say that all my woman are dazzling beauties, they object. The nose of this one is too large; the hips of another, they are too wide; perhaps the breasts of a third, they are too small. But I see these women for how they truly are… glorious, radiant, spectacular, and perfect, because, I am not limited by my eyesight. Women react to me the way that they do, Don Octavio, because they sense that I search out the beauty that dwells within until it overwhelms everything else. And then they cannot avoid their desire, to release that beauty and envelope me in it.”
- “Every woman is a mystery to be solved.”
Happy Women's Day! Now go make me a sandwich and get me a beer!
Feb 22 2013
And its been awhile.
A funny joke told by a beautiful woman:
A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: "Shut up, you're next."
Jan 11 2013
I was in training all this week and last night was an especially long day as I had to complete a practical exam to show that I mastered the material. Despite my semi-concious moments during the classes, it seems I passed.
So now its time to celebrate:
And wish fondly I could be perched on arms and knees-over one of these:
Nice Navel Piercing!
Jan 06 2013
Always hit the "save drafts" button! Other wise you do what I do, inadvertently hit the back button and all your work just quietly goes away. There is probably an analogy for this year in their somewhere.
So, to start again-have been busy getting ready for a busy January. I am also more than happy to see the holidays wind down, because now I can see my travel schedule start again. With a new year comes a new total of Frequent Flyer miles to get. I'm only 100K away from Million Miler status with United. Time to get cracking!
The saga of the car continues. As I expected, Volkswagon did not honor the repair of the windshield under the warranty, so I had to file for it under my insurance. They are taking care of it-and the car is scheduled to be repaired next week. The only problem is I will be in a training class next week-so the S.O. has to take the car over to the repair shop-which is way over towards Esslingen. She is having kittens. She doesn't like to drive in the city. I put it to her simply-she has to do this. She acquiesced but it was long and painful to get her to do so.
Which is probably a good analogy for other things with her.
Back in the land of my birth, Congress has yet again "averted" a disaster it created, by finally voting to restore taxes on some folks to their proper levels. Myself I would have preferred all the Bush tax cuts to go away-but their is some merit to the argument that the effect on the markets would have been too bad. What is disturbing, however is that in their petulant manner and strong desire not to compromise with the black guy, the did not come up with any long term solutions. So in two months the same tea sniffing assholes will put a gun to our collective heads again.
Professor Krugman is tired of trying to reason with you people:
The fight over the fiscal cliff was just one battle in that war. It ended, arguably, in a tactical victory for Democrats. The question is whether it was a Pyrrhic victory that set the stage for a larger defeat.
Why do I say that it was a tactical victory? Mainly because of what didn’t happen: There were no benefit cuts. This was by no means a foregone conclusion…
There were also some actual positives from a progressive point of view. Expanded unemployment benefits were given another year… Other benefits to lower-income families were given another five years… Oh, and not only did Republicans vote for a tax increase for the first time in decades, the overall result of the tax changes … will be a significant reduction in income inequality…
So why are many progressives — myself included — feeling very apprehensive? Because … the G.O.P. retains the power to destroy, in particular by refusing to raise the debt limit — which could cause a financial crisis. And Republicans have made it clear that they plan to use their destructive power to extract major policy concessions.
Now, the president has said that he won’t negotiate on that basis, and rightly so. Threatening to hurt tens of millions of innocent victims unless you get your way … shouldn’t be treated as a legitimate political tactic.
Of course it will be used as a tactic by our Galtian overlords, and on my Facebook page I will be subjected to the usual lectures on "stealing money" and "socialism". God, I do tire of people passing around the same lies, month after month. And when you try to disabuse them of the lies? They just turn around and attack you personally. Probably what is most disturbing about that is the unwritten idea that they are putting forth that gutting these programs somehow won't hurt them-when in fact they will. Quite badly. But the lectures continue-and in a demonstration of the really corrosive affect that Fox News has had over the last few years-one hears over and over the "47%" mantra. It is indeed troublesome-because its just not true.:
According to the normal rules of politics, Republicans should have very little bargaining power at this point. With Democrats holding the White House and the Senate, the G.O.P. can’t pass legislation; and since the biggest progressive policy priority of recent years, health reform, is already law, Republicans wouldn’t seem to have many bargaining chips.
But the G.O.P. retains the power to destroy, in particular by refusing to raise the debt limit — which could cause a financial crisis. And Republicans have made it clear that they plan to use their destructive power to extract major policy concessions.
Rather than do anything long term-egged on by the spoiled children who make up the GOP today the Congress condescended to only do the minimum required of it. Sometimes I wonder if the US would not be better off with a Parliamentary system where at least the Parliament can be dismissed when it is non productive. But in our current times that would happen so often it would be worse than Italy in the 1960's or France in the 1950's.
Which is kind of a good description for our current government anyway. Until the spoiled children that are the average American citizen, is made to understand that you cannot tax cut your way to prosperity-nothing of substance will get done.
On Saturdays, in downtown Stuttgart there is an outdoor antiques market at the plaza next to the Markt Halle. It's a good way to spend an afternoon. The S.O. loves to walk through the stands and pick and turn over each and every piece of china, I usually just wander off to a stand that has old books. These are almost always in German, of course, but they are really remakable in many cases. Found a picture book about World War I entitled "Ein Welt gegen Uns" ( A world against us is what it translates to -which pretty much summarizes the German view of that period and the one that followed). The book was really interesting with lots and lots of pictures from all four years of the war. It also had pictures of the war against Russia and other actions in Italy , for example. The stall owner wanted 35 Euro for it. That was too much and my efforts to negotiate with him failed-so the book was left on his table as we finally left. I really wanted to buy it-but not at that price.
Following the S.O.'s 2 and 1/2 hour ordeal of looking and looking at the same pieces of china over and over again. We adjouorned into the Markt Halle. Which is the Stuttgart Market Hall and has stands selling fish, vegatables, meats, olives, national specialtties from France, Greece, Italy, Hungary, and Turkey. Their Asian spice stands are pretty interesting too. They had one stand selling nothing but Hungarian Wine and I was tempted to buy some-but we still had many other places to go to, and did not want to lug three bottles around in the back pack forever and a day.
NPR ran a rather interesting story about the "stand your ground laws" that gun nuts have used as one of the hat racks to hang their absurd desire to have an arsenal of all kinds of weaponry at their disposal. They discovered something obvious-that discerning the "good guy" from the "bad guy" is not as clear cut as they thought it would be. Shocker:
If a stranger attacks you inside your own home, the law has always permitted you to defend yourself. On the other hand, if an altercation breaks out in public, the law requires you to try to retreat. At least, that’s what it used to do.
In 2005, Florida became the first of nearly two-dozen states to pass a “stand your ground” law that removed the requirement to retreat. If you felt at risk of harm in a park or on the street, you could use lethal force to defend yourself. The shooting of unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in Sanford, Fla., drew national attention to these laws.
Now, researchers who’ve studied the effect of the laws have found that states with a stand your ground law have more homicides than states without such laws.
Hoekstra recently decided to analyze national crime statistics to see what happens in states that pass stand your ground laws. He found the laws are having a measurable effect on the homicide rate.
“Our study finds that, that homicides go up by 7 to 9 percent in states that pass the laws, relative to states that didn’t pass the laws over the same time period,” he says.
As to whether the laws reduce crime — by creating a deterrence for criminals — he says, “we find no evidence of any deterrence effect over that same time period.”
Hoekstra obtained this result by comparing the homicide rate in states before and after they passed the laws. He also compared states with the laws to states without the laws.
Still, based on the available data, it appears that crafters of these laws sought to give good guys more latitude to defend themselves against bad guys. But what Hoekstra’s data suggest is that in real-life conflicts, both sides think of the other guy as the bad guy. Both believe the law gives them the right to shoot.
In a separate analysis of death certificates before and after stand your ground laws were passed in different states, economists at Georgia State University also found that states that passed the laws ended up with a higher homicide rate.
That study also tracked the increased homicides by race. In contrast to the narrative established by the Trayvon Martin shooting — many people believe black men are more likely to be the victims of stand your ground laws — this analysis found the additional deaths caused by the laws were largely concentrated among white men.
“The imperfect but growing evidence seems to suggest that the consequences of adopting stand your ground laws are pernicious, in that they may lead to a greater number of homicides — thus going against the notion that they are serving some sort of protective function for society,” he says.
Que the "black people just want free stuff" chorus.
Over the Christmas season, I gave myself a gift of 4 seasons of the The Big Bang Theory. I had not paid the show any attention when I was in the States living-but now I have gone back and given it another look. I saw several episodes on a Comedy Channel in Israel when I was there this past fall. I really came to like it. So I have watched Seasons 1 and 2 and 5 and in the middle of watching Season 6 now. I also found a nifty little drinking game to go along with it:
The S.O. and I watched "Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" on Friday night. I had wanted to see the movie for a long time. I was suprised the S.O. hung with me to watch it-she does not usually like English movies that rely on a lot of dialogue. But we both enjoyed this one. I liked it a lot. The scene where Bill Nighy tells off his obnoxious wife really spoke to me. ( I got a very curious eye from the S.O. as I leaned forward to watch it closer). I had figured it would just be light entertainment, but in the end it was a more powerful movie than I expected. ( Young Indian actresses are pretty hot too).
This is Tena Desae:
And finally, I am still with out my cell phone. In the end I had to send it back to Samsung so that they can fix the damn thing. It seemed to be suffering from "Sudden Death Syndrome".
There has been a common issues with many Galaxy S3 devices around the world that has started to bother a lot of people. The problems is this: Galaxy S3 is suddenly dies and doesn’t turn on again until you take it to be repaired.
All around the world people are bringing their devices in service because they will not turn on again. This problem has been named a “sudden death” for Galaxy S3. It’s like the phone is “committing suicide” out of nowhere. The issue with this problem is the fact that it doesn’t have a common pattern. The Galaxy S3 dies after charging, during charging over night, after turning the screen off it will not turn on again. As far as I can see it is a pretty scary problem.
The most common situation with the Galaxy S3 dying is when charging the phone over night. When you try to turn on the screen, it will not respond. You will not be able to turn on the phone with the power button. Pulling the battery off and on again also doesn’t help. It seems that the only resolution for this problem is to take your phone to be repaired in a specialized store.
The good this is that Samsung is responding well to this issue, meaning that they repair all the phones that are brought to them with this problem, or more likely they will give you a new one.
There is no official statement regarding this issue, but seeing how more and moreGalaxy S3 owners are complaining about this, we can conclude that there are some real hardware issues with the Galaxy S3.
As I said-I hope its not a harbinger of things to come.
Dec 09 2012
The S.O. and I had to take separate flights home. She was on Lufthansa and I was on United. I figured the S.O. would have had the better deal on Lufthansa-but as is typical for her, she found a way to fuck it up. She came into Frankfurt complaining about everything. The flight, the people sitting next to her, the seat, and the fact that it was snowing in Stuttgart and we had to take the train. It took every bit of restraint I had not throw my coffee on her while we were waiting at Starbucks. I've heard this type of whining many times before. I have long grown tired of it. If you don't like traveling then why do you ask to go? Certainly I would have had a better time had she not come along-but that seems increasingly to be the case. The only real blessing was that by the time we got home she was tired-and so I got some rare hours of time alone to myself.
Tomorrow is a work day-and the snow is still coming steadily down. The journey to work tomorrow will probably be most interesting, to say the least.
As for my flight-well United proved yet again that it sets low standards and then fails to meet them. Under the scowl of the S.O. I pre-charged with a couple of beers in the lounge-this to avoid the 6 dollar beers if I could. Like I have said countless times before-the nickle and diming of passengers is a disgrace-just charge 20 bucks more and serve drinks for free. American Air Carriers truly suck-in terms of service. I will be looking forward to traveling on the foreign based carriers when I begin my travel schedule after the first of the year. I only need 100K more miles to be a million miler, so that is one of my goals for 2013. Don't think I will make it-but I am going to try.
I did some reading on the trip. I finished Tom Ricks book, The Generals. My office mate really liked it-I am more ambivelant about the work. I agree with Ricks central point that America's flag leadership is sorely lacking in the traits needed to be successful. What I don't agree with him on is the reasons why this is-or how to cure it. I will write a more detailed review this week.
For now though, its time to cry myself to sleep and dream of better days.
Aug 29 2012
Another installment in the series-reprinted from Esquire Magazine. But the woman is my own choice from Asia Sirens!
A lady asks a man at a bar what he's drinking. "Magic Beer," he says.
"What's so magic about it?" she asks. He gets up and flies around the room.
The lady says, "I'll have what he's having." Then she climbs to the roof, jumps, and falls to her death.
The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Superman, you're such a jerk when you're drunk."
Jul 21 2012
This story is not true-as a simple check of Snopes will verify, but I still think its funny.
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made this remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral Sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
It would be even better if the sex were with her:
May 30 2012
There will be no port visits to Pattaya or Phuket.
Wanchai, Orchard Towers, Lucky Plaza, Geylang and pretty much any place fun in the Philippines-Will be off limits.
Massagee in Ropppongi or the Honch? Forget it. Oh, and if you say you know what a soapie is? Stand by for NCIS to pay you a visit.
Picking up cute Japanese girls at Gas Panic? Your new, socially correct, feminist overlords will allow none of that. And don't even think-of taking your NANPA prize back to a love hotel.
A nice walk up the hill in Itaewon or Texas Street?-completely out of the question.
Your cruises will be almost ten months long.
With curfews and liberty restrictions.
Don't even think of asking the Corpsman for Condoms.
Oh, and lest we forget, there will be a 2.1 Carrier Commitment in the Persian Gulf from now till hell freezes over.
You won't be able to go to Australia because of fuel costs-and if you do you will be expected to work on com-rel projects.
And you will get breathalyzed crossing the quarterdeck.
But hey, enjoy the Pacific anyway.
I'm sorry I never will get to meet you! Thank God for German and Australian tourists-to pick up the slack left by your absence!
May 25 2012
One of my favorite parts of my monthly subscription to Esquire-is the page where they have a funny joke told by a beautiful woman. Since I got my May edition today, I thought I would be nice and share. The joke is from the May edition of Esquire-the girl is not:
A rich old couple is sitting in their backyard. The husband says to the wife, " Darling, times are tough. Perhaps you could learn to cook so we could fire the cook."
She responds, " All right. Perhaps you could learn to screw, so we can fire the gardener."
( Obligatory rim shot on the drums follows).
Apr 28 2012
And I'm back. Have been back for a couple of days-but tomorrow I am off again. Just time enough to do laundry. This time the travel is within Germany and I will be out of pocket for a couple of weeks.
I do plan to post some though-and I intend to use those opportunities to write about relationships. For two reasons really: one, its on my mind right now-as I read a book called The Happiness Project and two, I want an excuse to write some explicitly erotic prose. If you are prudish-or that is not your cup of tea, well, you can consider yourself fairly warned.