A long time ago, in a galaxy far away, I had a squadron mate who was fond of pursuing the time honored Naval Aviation tradition of “ball walking”. These instances usually occurred after consumption of more than a couple of tasty adult beverages-and were intended to be a guaranteed ice breaker to get conversation moving in the proper direction. (Which-when at Miramar- was across the street and into the BOQ). He was never obvious about it, he simply sat at the bar, allowing the bar to provide a bit of overhang, and would usually strike up a fairly benign conversation with a person of the female gender. At some point, the woman would casually look down or around- hilarity and / or physical assault would then ensue.
For the uninitiated, “ball walking’ is the art of positioning Mr. Johnson’s two round, furry, and wrinkly friends such that they just hung out of the bottom zipper of one’s flight suit. Sometimes Mr. Johnson was “let loose” also, but not often-since that involved a too obvious display and bordered on the territory of arrest able offenses.
The best response I ever saw him get-and this too occurred at the Miramar O’Club back when it was a real Officers Club-was this response from one of his intended victims. It remains a classic in the annals of put downs from women:
“ Oh Jennifer look-it looks like a penis! Only smaller!”
Anyway………….
It appears we will all be “ball walking” in 2010:
Let’s be blunt: You’ll have to start showing your gonads when you go to the airport.
You won’t have to show them to the people standing next to you. But you’ll have to show them to the Transportation Security Administration. You’ll stand in front of a machine that sees through your clothes. It will capture every contour of your body and relay this picture to a screen in a nearby room. In that room, somebody who works for TSA will study the picture, including your gonads. They’ll study your gonads because that’s where bombers hide bombs.
Go look at the ABC News photo of the underwear of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the alleged Detroit bomber. Look where the packet of explosive powder was sewn: right into the crotch. You don’t need advanced training in Yemen to figure out why it was put there: because it’s the last place TSA wants to look.
Well, almost the last place. Four months ago, another al-Qaida agent smuggled the same powder into a Saudi palace and tried to blow up the Saudi chief of counterterrorism. Saudi investigators think the bomber in that incident, like the Detroit bomber, hid the powder in his underwear. CBS News tells a different story: The Saudi bomber hid the powder in his rectum. Which theory is correct? It’s hard to know, since the Saudi bomber, his underwear, and his rectum ended up all over the room.
You get the picture: Bombers hide bombs where we’re least likely to probe them: under the breasts, behind the scrotum, up the bum. So that’s where we have to look.
This wasn’t how you were hoping to spend your time at the security gate. You wanted a flight, not a prostate exam. Fortunately, we don’t have to grope you—at least, not yet. But we do have to look at you, including the private bits.
Now me, being the kind of “cup is half full” kind of guy I am-I’m quite OK with this development. Especially when you consider the alternative of getting blown to smithereens by some Nigerian wanna be who is overly influenced by a bunch of Muslim losers from Yemen. Besides, the idea of hard working female TSA officers being impressed by my prolific specimen of Skippy manhood is ego reinforcing –in a twisted kind of way.
Especially since it will be done with new technology. Now everyone will get to start in their own porn movie:
That’s where technology comes in. TSA is beginning to deploy scanners that can see you naked without removing your clothes. At last count, the agency said 40 scanners were in use at 19 airports, with 150 more on the way. To reassure us that the scans won’t expose us in full detail, TSA says the resulting images are scrubbed by an “algorithm” so they look like a “chalk etching” or a “fuzzy photo negative.”
It’s time to give up this squeamishness. Forget the etchings and fuzzy negatives. Take the whole picture, TSA: breasts, scrotum, penis, labia, gluteal cleft, whatever. Look at mine so you can look at the next guy’s. ( Mine’s bigger by the way!) Because if he’s a bomber, that’s where you’ll find the bomb.
Privacy advocates are fighting to keep the scanners from becoming standard procedure. In today’s New York Times, their point man, Rep. Jason Chaffetz, R-Utah, argues, “I don’t think anybody needs to see my 8-year-old naked in order to secure [an] airplane.”
Sorry, Congressman. You’re mistaken. Smugglers aren’t stupid. They’ll use whatever category of passengers you exclude from scrutiny. That’s why terrorists and drug traffickers use women and babies. My 9-year-old and 6-year-old are fair game for the scanner. So’s your 8-year-old. There were 8-year-olds on the Detroit flight. I’ll bet you every parent of every kid on that flight, in retrospect, would gladly have let their children go through the scanner in exchange for Abdulmutallab getting the same scrutiny.
Will the best looking scans probably end up on some internet web site that requires credit card access? Possibly. I have this vision of some geek(s) in a TSA back room acting out this scene from a semi famous movie:
Think of the revenue it might generate. ( Pay Pal or Credit Cards cheerfully accepted!)
There is an alternative-adopt the Israeli approach. It seems to have worked.
Apple is on the case too:
I think I will definitely have to go commando on my next business trip!