I awoke in a somber mood this morning, slightly groggy, and not wanting to shed the blanket for the shower. The little voice inside me thought told it was time to get up. It also reminded me that today was the 52nd anniversary of my birth………
There once was a time when I looked upon someone in their 50’s as positively ancient. That was not me. I was young, thin, spry and full of energy. The world was going to be mine for the taking! By the time the 21’st century was going to roll around, I would be independently wealthy, and when I returned from a business trip to one of the orbiting space stations-my private jet was going to be waiting to whisk me back to my stately mansion. There, my svelte little blond sex bomb of a wife was going to be waiting to greet me, martini in hand. On the wall’s of our stately mansion were pictures from my days of flying A-7’s in the Navy, and how that successful flying career had laid the basis for my wealth of the day.
Real-life? Suffice it to say it turned out more than slightly different than that.
I gave serious thought to calling in sick-but realized there were things that needed to be done today, especially since the S.O. and I are going away this weekend. So, haltingly-with a sigh- I stumbled into the room of rest and into the shower. In the evening, the S.O. was to take me out to dinner, and perhaps hopefully, a romantic ending to the day might yet ensue. ( We’ll see about that last item…). She would endeavor to be good company-and a card was sure to be waiting for me when I returned home. ( There was).
Truth be told though, if I had my druthers, I would have spent this day here–by myself-doing a variety of things that I like to do. The day would have ended with me sitting here– watching the sunset and pondering the time that had passed, and whatever time was left-as I consumed mass quantities of liquors, allowing my thoughts to swirl me into my own private oblivion.
That’s not be-yet. Soon though, I will break away to make that pilgrimage-by myself. For today though, it was not in the cards. So cleaned, dressed, and shaved-off, I went to work.
When I arrived at my building, I noticed that the flag was at half-mast- I did not take it as a good sign. ( I still do not know why it was at half-mast unless it was to honor a soldier who had died).
The day passed uneventfully-my co-worker, and I took advantage of the day to take lunch at that famous French restaurant, Le Hooters. It seemed most of Shopping Mall had the same idea-the place was packed.
I did do something a little out of the ordinary, though- I departed work with sufficient time to stop here for a little while. To have a drink or two and think a little.
It occurred to me that at the age I am now-my mother was dealing with an 11-year-old boy. ( Me). Dragging me to Boy Scouts, baseball, and other various and sundry things. How she did that at the age I am today-is pretty amazing. She had to be sick of it, I am sure.
I thought too of all of the wrong turns I had made in my life- most of them centered around women and the inability to use-then lose them. How different things might have been if I had turned around and walked out a door at the age of 21, to go down a path to build a single life, instead of a married one with children on the way before I had crossed the threshold of my 23rd year.
I also realized that my elders had been speaking the truth when they told me to branch out, get some qualifications, build “other” professional skills besides the basic ones of flying an being a naval officer. The part they never explained very well was that the windows to do that are limited. If you do not find the “Y” in the road early enough-you may never find it. The thrill of adventure and the pull of the fun that went with it was perhaps too strong. Over 5000 hours and trips to all the continents but two-but at what price?
“Bring me another,” I signaled to the young barmaid as I turned my head around to gaze out the glass windows to the street. Not watch so much, but more to ponder and turn my thoughts inward.
As she set the glass down, I thought about all the ups and downs of my life. About how small and, at the time, seemingly insignificant decisions can rise up and become your fate. There are more “Y”s in the road behind me than are probably in front of me. The question is- how to make the best use of the ones in front to achieve my goals, my dreams, and secure my contentment-and not live someone else’s half-assed vision of what my life should or should not be.
And it occurred to me then, that I don’t have a lot to complain about really. Sure I’d like not to fork over money I’ve earned to someone who didn’t, every month. But that is what it is. The last nine years of liberation from that misery have counted for me more than you could imagine. To have gotten to spend them where I spent them-is a gift of great proportion.
I’m a cup is half full kind of guy. And today is a day to count my blessings, for they are many- and I am grateful for them. Things could be a heck of a lot worse. That they are not, is a gift too, for which I am grateful. Especially in this world we are living in now.
Bills? There are a few. Not nearly as many as once there was. Savings? not enough-but again more than there was once. I have a job, not a job like I once had, but it is Ok. It pays the bills and buys me time to seek opportunities that are more in tune with my geographical preferences.
I really can’t complain-and it wouldn’t change anything if I did. It is a sin to get to have as much fun as I have gotten to have or to live the adventures I have gotten to experience. I’m quite grateful for them. Because of my experiences-my horizons are broader now, and I think I have a clarity of thought and insight that did not exist in the earlier time. The time when I walked in lockstep with the rest of the herd, mouthing the same shibboleths that they did. Thank God, I was able to break free from them! I’ve literally seen the world and been to a lot of nations and all the continents (not counting Antarctica) save for South America. And it’s on my “to do” list.
I’m a lucky man, to tell the truth. Very lucky. Nobody has to tell me that.
Regrets-yep I’ve got some pretty big ones. So what?
As I see it, there are two really big things to worry about: 1) not having a job and 2) any of those pesky health issues that, disturbingly, seem to crop up in men in their 50’s. Knock on wood-things are good today, tomorrow is always the great unknown. I’ve seen too many men my age get destroyed-if not literally, then financially by the costs associated with those “health issues.”
About that time, a girl jogger came ripping by-good looking one too- and reminded me I need to crank it up in terms of an exercise regimen.
However, it seems to me that the rest of the stuff- that we all worry about-it’s just noise. Keep steady employment of some kind and keep healthy, there is room to live. The last ten years have taught me that. It’s not how much money you have- it’s how you use what you have. Even no money can be dealt with if you have your health.
My frustrations with my current location? A mild annoyance that I will deal with. I will return to Asia. Why do I like Asia so much? I’ll tell you again sometime-for now suffice it to say, I just do. My goal remains before me, and like MacArthur, God willing, I will return.
Big house? Not required.
Nice car? Nice to have, but I can live with less.
Relationships? Nice-but splendid isolation can be helpful too. I just have to find a balance that gives me a little of both. I do need some time to myself.
However, on balance, thanks be to God for the blessings I have, which is a pretty nice birthday present if you ask me. The best gift I could ever wish for.
Lucky me.