Dear Hu Jin Tao………

Dear Mr Chinese President,

I suppose we should get the pleasantries out of the way first.

F**k you, you stinking, pinko, Chinese commie bastard-you.

In three more days, you will get the spectacle you have dreamed about for the last 8 years, and China will get to host an Olympics and pretend that is a normal nation, full of happy and proud citizens, instead of a warped, dysfunctional , tyrannical dictatorship that puts 3rd world dictators to shame in terms of sheer ruthlessness and evil.

You are lucky I never had, or will ever have the chance to become the US President. Because unlike the current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, I would not be getting ready to cross the Pacific to suck your dick meet with you in public and attend the opening ceremonies. He who claims to be tough on tyranny and opposed to terrorism will go and dine with biggest terrorists of them all.

Now mind you I would not pull a Jimmy Carter and boycott the games just to show my displeasure with your evil, but incompetent government full of ” People who do what they want, who operate on whims and notions that come to them after their third bottle of expense account Chivas and have a staff of yes-men who tell their boss that every lamebrain scheme is a great idea! and who have no fear of losing their jobs because they don’t have to stand for election or re-election.” And yet, somehow still lead the world in terms of people in prison and executed every year. There would be some who think I should applaud the “progress” that China has made.

Just the opposite.

Now mind you-the evilness and failures of your government have done nothing to diminish my desire to live in the city  you have no right to rule-and should in my perfect world still belong to Britain.

However………………

I would have had a grand send off for the US Olympic team this week-urging them to kick Chinese asses on all of the Olympic fields of competition. I would have told them that the best service that they could perform for their country would be the public humiliation of Chinese athletes on the fields of competition.  I would have sent letters and other missives to European, Japanese, and Korean Olympic teams urging them to defeat and humiliate Chinese teams in front of Chinese citizens in the stands.

I would have gone to Mass and prayed heartily for the Star Bangled Banner to be played so much it sounds like Stars and Stripes forever.

And that the Chinese anthem would be heard only at the opening and closing ceremonies. But no where else because the medal count would be lopsidedly in favor of the barbarians you are trying to impress.

If I were President though it would not just start or stop with the Olympic Games. I would be smart enough to know that I could not just abandon free trade with your nation, since it would hurt the US worse than it would hurt you. However within the constraints of the hand I was dealt,  I would do what I could.

For one thing, I would use the bully pulpit of the Presidency to denounce your country as the 21’st evil empire that it is. I would publicly advocate and vilify your government at every opportunity as well as re-start the Voice of America and the brigades of cyber hackers to penetrate the Great Firewall at any and every opportunity. I would beam images of China’s brutality far and wide. I would have speeches Ala Ronald Reagan belittling your government at every opportunity. I’d point out to anyone who would listen that the damage from the earthquake was made twice as worse because your building standards are so lousy and your construction firms were more concerned about money than people.

I’d get some good economic advisers to help me: 1) Strengthen the US dollar and do whatever it takes to undermine the RMB. 2) Pay off all the debt you hold so that you would not hold that trump card against us. And 3) provide better incentives for US companies and European companies to do business with somebody else besides you. Even if I had to throw Airbus a bone by giving them the tanker contract-so long as it specified a no compete clause for business with China. I’d also find a way to get some folks inside your banks and do the best they can to bring those same banks down-a la Barings Bank in the 90’s.

My 600 ship Navy, 33 Wing Air Force and 750000 Man Army would train steadily as it did in the cold war to give your nation the beating it would remember for generations. Not that I would advocate war, but we would steadily wear you down just like we did to the Soviets. We would also probably create a few jobs at home too. I’d figure out a way to pay for it-and point out to companies that it is a cost of being free to make obscene profits by selling out US labor to use cheap Chinese labor. To quote from a movie, ” China’s economy is not growing as fast as it can because it can’t get all the oil it needs-and I’m damn proud of that fact.”

We would routinely hold freedom of navigation operations in the Taiwan straits and sell Taiwan a lot of arms. I would also speak unabashedly in favor of Taiwanese independence. Those mirror image strikes that just happened to come with in 25 miles of Shanghai? Don’t know how they happened. Ask the Russians about Norpac ops off Petropavlosk. Got their hair in a dander too.

I would work a foreign policy that did the best it could to highlight all of the dictatorships you keep afloat, just like in Myanmar. There might even be some arms and other goods that find their way into Tibet to support dissidents there. Wouldn’t know how it happened.

We would meet publicly for summits though. I’d be civil and polite. But my PR machine would be spreading stories about how I hate your commie guts.

I’d know it would not be a project I could finish, but by doing what I could to publicly expose your regime for the evil dictatorship it is-maybe that would have the right affect. In my Olympic sendoff speech by the way, I would have highlighted that your government’s gene pool is directly descended from the evil Mao Tse Tung and that you are not that far removed from the cultural revolution. Which might never had happened if we had let Chiang Kai Shek wipe your commie ancestors out in the north of China in 1946.

But not to worry pal-no one like me would ever get elected President. However I think I have made my point, you cannot polish the feces, no matter how hard you try. The Nazi’s tried and failed, so too did the Soviets. And now some 28 years later, the world will hopefully see this games as the sham it really is.

They should have been in Tokyo instead.

Have fun watching Americans win.

Skippy-san