Sittiing in the gate area at Tucson airport. Still a while till boarding and I got to do something-might as well blog.
First, to all who sent their kind wishes-Thank You. I do appreciate it.
<———————————————————————————————->
I keep feeling like I should be crying. Except the truth is- I just cannot. Which makes me feel more guilty than you will ever know. I jsut don’t know how I feel-or even how I am supposed to. Even though my sister had warned me that we all needed to gird our selves up for this-now that it is actually here-it is still a something of a shock. Talking with my father is especially hard. There is nothing I can say to him. I am truly sorry and he knows it-but how do you console the man? He’s the one I’m really worried about now-for the last few years, looking out for my Mom had been his “career” of sorts. Now I’m worried he will fall apart himself. He’s in much better shape health wise than my mother-but spiritually he’s tapped out.
Yet I still cannot cry. I thought I might when I heard the news at first-then it just settled down into sort of a resigned acceptance of that which I have dreaded for years, was finally upon me. I feel sad, but I also feel as if things are better in a perverted sort of way. I hated seeing my mother in the nursing home-and my sister says she would never have wanted that. So perhaps she waited until she saw us all, then moved on. Probably a flight of fancy, but still I want to believe it.
<————————————————————————————————>
My Mom got gypped by us kids. None of us turned out to be the famous, history making, people she wanted us to be. I know she was proud of my Navy career-I never had the heart to tell her that as successful careers go-my was deeply slotted among the ranks of the mediocrity. Still it made her proud-she always thought I was going to be an admiral. Just the opposite, each of us screwed up our individual lives in various ways. My parents are really the only anchor my family has. Now one of the points is chipped off. What happens to the rest of the anchor-and the ship it holds in place?
<———————————————————————————————->
I hope I get to come back here to Tucson, despite the heat it was different than I expected it to be. I had really wanted to get up to Davis Monthan AFB and see the “boneyard”. I had actually arranged my schedule so I could go do that tomorrow morning before going to the airport. If one loves airplanes its a must see-to pay respects. Plus it was nice to see desert mountains again. When I was living in Nevada-one of the highlights of my morning each day was to walk out of my house and look up at the mountains off in the distance. Plus flying over this type of country was simply glorious. Go ask Lex, I’m sure he would agree with me.
<———————————————————————————————->
While I was packing up my stuff, the TV showed the latest Jib-Jab video. Its probably innappropriate to say so, but I don’t care what your politics are-its funny. Only smile I’ve had in a couple of days.
<———————————————————————————–>
I got the nicest e-mail, clear out of the blue from my daughter. I’ve not heard from her in a while. It was a sweet note, if somewhat strained, and I was thankful for it. She said she wants to maybe come to the funeral. I don’t think she is going to be able to make it, but I told her if she chose to, I would pay for it. However it was entirely her choice. Said the same to my son, who I have talked to several times today. He’s got too many demands on his time now to come-but he did give a warm welcome to my sister last month when she visited.
<————————————————————————————>
Now it will be time for the recriminations to begin. How I should have been able to visit more often. How I should have subverted my own desires and lived closer to my parents. How I should have been back in North Carolina last month-before she went into the hospital, new job or not. I think though that deep down, my Mom knew I was happy in Asia, but she did not understand why. I wish I had been able to share some of that with both Mom and Dad. Now its too late.
<———————————————————————————–>
Time to board the plane. Useless prose I know-but I felt better having something to do to occupy the time. Thank you for listening.