It is 5:30 in the morning. I should be sleeping but I just cannot sleep. Probably means the booze wore off-but on the other hand we were home pretty early last night all things considered.
Yesterday was the first time I played golf in about 3 months. It was a glorious day-sunny and warm. The grass was still in that beat down winter mode-so the ball got a pretty good roll when you hit it. Which is good because I certainly was not going to get the ball down the fairway in the air! Suffice it to say my score showed the effects of a 3 month layoff.
Then, last night, we went to a sort of a farewell party-for the S.O. and me. Farewell in the sense that I am leaving my current job and moving on to a new one. However it was also so our hosts could have a party at their house. Whichever was the primary driver-I’m grateful to them.
For two reasons: 1) the food was good and the sake and beer plentiful. 2) It helped crystallize in my mind why I need to move on and do something else.
The people there are all fine people. However the conversation kind of re-iterated to me how much I’ve changed in my attitudes and ambitions in the last 8 years while I have been overseas. Many of these folks are still deep in their Navy climb-they will be going where they must to compete for the really “good jobs”. Whenever they asked me the inevitable “What are you going to do?” question I just sort of mentally cringed. Since I’ve not totally decided what I am going to do, and I am at heart suspicious, I kept my responses very generic. I do have a game plan and barring a miracle, I will probably make a decision to execute it in about a week or so. However it was hard to get folks to understand that at this point in my life it is not so much about “what” I am going to do, but “where” I do it. And for me the “what” just is not the most important thing. Most of these people just did not understand that logic.
I understand it perfectly. At this point in my life a job is just that-a job. A job that facilitates the right location however, is a means to an end. I’ve pretty much outgrown my ambition. I have not, however, out grown my desire to experience new and wonderful things.
This makes my planning for the upcoming weeks and my decision process all the more frustrating, since my most probably game plan is : a) not in the location I love and b) creates as many complexities as it solves. It is just one of those dissatisfying compromises that one has to work out because several things you count on happening-don’t happen. Plus the bills don’t pay themselves you know. And since my ex-wife still has not done me the decent favor of throwing herself off of the Sixth Street bridge-well those bills are still there.
I’ll let you know what my plans are when I figure them out for myself.
I am certain that making a change and leaving the current work vehicle is the right thing to do. However now that it is finally here, there is a sense of lost time and missed opportunities that hangs over my head. There is never a big sign out there that says “THE ROAD TO HAPPINESS IS THIS WAY!”. I wish there was. However life never works that way. You make little decisions and the arc of the possible continues to narrow until you either reach the destination or you run smack into the big sign saying, DEAD END. Like that scene in Stand and Deliver, ” You never see the end of the road when you are at the turn-all you see is the Y in the road.” Something like that. And of course, it does not help that I have 128 pounds of Japanese baggage sleeping quietly back in the bedroom. That is where that “what I want to do” vs “what I need to do” problem rears its ugly head every time.
I do think it is important to keep it in perspective though. These are the decisions one should have on their plate. What should not be on anyone’s plate and is a sign of just how truly unfair the universe is, are having to make decisions like Patrick Swayze is having to make. My little dramas are chump change compared with that. I read that news on Friday with sadness. He’s only a few years older than I am.
When one remembers that, life is pretty good after all. Time to go make the coffee. I probably should hit the delete button on this ramshackle post-but its the news today. So have a good day.
Snark will be back on the menu tomorrow.
I guess after all these years, my goal is no longer happiness, but contentment. And I’m surprised that still, at my age, the question that begged to be answered at 16 “what do you want to do with your life” is still begging to be answered. I just figured I’d plot my course and away I’d go.
It doesn’t work that way. Life changes, responsibilities change, priorities get shifted, others must come first, and you are suddenly in the midst of it looking back at the path you’ve taken and wondering where that ‘y in the road’ is ahead and which way to go.
It’s all been worth it… but I look ahead and think… what is next?
The beautiful thing is… in my mind… there are no wrong answers. Its all workable. Some will make me more content then others, but none of it is ‘wrong’.
Good luck.
And your comment at Lex’s… I did not take it the wrong way as ‘burden’. I got what you meant.