The dilemma……..

Being here in North Carolina is a mixed review. Its nice to be with family and yet at the same time it is an accusation of sorts. Each time I return I can see that my mother is having a harder and harder time remembering things-yet one question she always can remember is, “When are you going to leave Japan and move here to be near your family?”. I cringe when it comes because I am not entirely comfortable with the answer, either of them, and the consequences that ensue from either one.

At what point do you put your life on hold simply appease the requirements of filial piety? And if you do,  what about the effect of the results upon you and your happiness?

And if one does not honor filial piety-but chooses to follow the path you know in your heart is the one that you want-well there is a cost too. Time is fixed and its march is unstoppable.  The opportunities to get back here are limited in the next six months-there are too many masters competing for  my time.  And I’ve got some life decisions of my own to make in the next six months-ones that will also not wait or slow the march of time.

I talk with my sister a lot when I home on these visits. The level of her frustration with her situation is clear. She feels like the rest of us are not doing our share. At the same time she is frustrated by what she feels is the ongoing burden of living in a place she does not like, working at a job she dislikes, and not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel.  Its amazing how much more candid our discussions have become as my mother’s health issues become more prominent.

It is not that I am without feeling. Its just that I know myself and for both of us-this is not home. It never will be. It just a spread out place, becoming with each and every passing day more developed, and not full of the things that I find to be fun or exciting. Not that living here would be so bad assuming that I can find employment that maintains my lifestyle-but I know after a about 9- months I’d  be screaming to “sneak away” to more familiar scenes. Raleigh Durham will never have the vibrancy and excitement of Hong Kong, Singapore, Tokyo and Bangkok. Manila will not be just a short flight away and it won’t be possible just to hop the bullet train down to Osaka.

For the present I am committed for at least through the middle of next year. After that the future is a great unknown. However the effect of the pressure on me is more than a little taxing-because the accusers do have their points. And ours is hardly what you would call a “close” family.

Which is also evidenced by the fact that she is not getting to see the two grandchildren I produced-neither do I for that matter.

And probably never will again……………

BAH! No resolution tonight for this dilemma-however for the last few trips it has always been  the invisible sunken rock to be navigated around in the room. Especially when I up the stairs and into the room that confronts me with this. Which leads to indulging in these.

Which is not good either.

Some good things happened today though. My niece was here visiting my sister. I always enjoy talking with her. Found out she is keeping a web site so the family can see the pictures of life etc. Sort of a blog but more like a scrap book.  Took my Mom out in the wheel chair so she could get some fresh air and see something besides the inside of the house and the medicine chest.

It was a gorgeous day.

We had a cook out at my sisters tonight. Because I was there and my brother in law had to work, I grilled the chicken on his nice big Weber gas grill on his nice big wooden porch. Which was a good end to a mixed up day.

I also got to go up and see the Harley’s today. Seems my brother in law goes to a local eatery that sponsors a “ride in” of sorts-people show up park their bikes , a lot eat breakfast at the restaurant (no fool that owner!) . I’ve never really gotten swept up by motorcycles and the hole “biker culture”. However it is a nice little get together and they had more than Harley’s-there were some Ducatis and a few rice burners as well.