SNN (Skippy News Network) News Feed. DATELINE Yokosuka Japan– 5000 American Sailors were held hostage for 6 hours on an aging ship today, by a man with a known reputation for shooting people. This tense stand off was only resolved when ransom demands of applause, a good sound bite, and a helicopter were paid. We take you now to an interview with the head of the Yokosuka police department:
SNN reporter, ” Were you concerned about the safety of the hostages?”
YPD Chief, ” But of course, this man already has a history of shooting people and is known to have a short temper. We were really concerned for a while.”
SNN Reporter, ” How did he get so many hostages so quickly?”
YPD Chief, ” Well, it appears he had help. Dozens of black suited thugs-wearing earphones, forced the base police to zone off several streets , parking lots, and entrances, to prevent traffic from flowing. Anyone caught walking on the street, in uniform, was immediately whisked away to the USS Kitty Hawk Quarterdeck and forced to stand with herd in hangar bay 1 for hours on end.”
SNN Reporter, ” Any idea why he came here?”
YPD Chief, ” We are not sure. We had hoped to interview the suspect, but after his demands were met, he moved away briskly. There was great concern on our part that one of the hostages might provoke an outburst by asking about some guy named Libby, or some outfit named Halliburton-apparently this hostage taker is known to associate with famous American criminals- but that was fortunately averted.”
SNN Reporter, “Where did he go to?”
YPD Chief, ” In his ransom demand, he wanted to be taken by helicopter to Tokyo. As he boarded the chopper, one of the hostages heard him muttering something to the effect of, “Sushi? I don’t need no stinkin’ sushi! Give me some Goddamned Kobe beef!”
SNN Reporter, ” So there you have it ladies and gentlemen. A brazen act of hostage taking right under the nose of the Japanese and American authorities here. Even now, with the blockades on the streets removed, traffic is barely returning to normal. Back to you at FEC HQ……..”
