Why I am not 100% sure. Today is a very unreal day. Very Very depressed and there is no real good reason for it.
Went out to dinner last night with a co-worker. We went to the Boat Quay. Which is overpriced and touristy, but still a lot of fun none the less. Stopped at Chijmes for more beers before going back to the hotel.
Made a foray through Brix, was shocked to see it full on a Monday night. I think one can say for sure now, it is the upscale sales professionals hang out. This morning got up worked, came back to the hotel at lunchtime. Read a great line in the paper. “Be the person you aspire to be“. That’s rich. I would be the person I aspire to be if others would stop telling what I aspire to become. And if I could just forget about these annoying things like paying the bills.
Hollywood makes it seem so easy to just run out and change one’s life. The reality, I think, is that changing one’s life is hard. If I could be the person I aspire to be, I would be living here in Singapore, have an OK apartment, a job that lets me live and pay my bills and I would write a book.
HA HA HA!!!!!!! Alimony, bills, incomplete retirement, lack of jobs, age discrimination, and most importantly fear all stand in the way. The S.O. has fits every time I mention the idea of chucking it all and moving here. She is probably right and on days like today, I realize that she does provide structure for me which is something I sorely need.
And really don’t want.
I feel like dirt emotionally today. Useless and insignificant. There is a quote from Bukowski that probably covers it, I just can’t be bothered to remember it.
” I’m fed up with me!”
A rambling post to be sure. I probably ought to hit the delete key. However, it’s the news and so I’ll click on the publish button in a minute. I’ve got to do something to change…I just am not sure what yet……….
Sigh……………
Better things tomorrow, I promise. Right now I just want to go lay on the bed and cry myself to sleep………………..
